i hate having ADHD, it’s awesome

I want to kill it off. My whole life I’ve been living with this burden, I thought it was just a temporary feeling. Each time my eyes wander and fix themselves on the floor without a purpose or a have-to, or each time I notice that I am tiring my tongue beyond purpose without actually saying something productive, I feel the power of hope diminishing. And it’s as if with every little ounce of distraction the hope of that relief becomes lost in the darkness. The harder I try to direct my thoughts and to remain solely on the job, the more I fail at it and get tied up in aggravation. Where before it was as if this was a mere fight to be had and one that could end with just as much practicality, now every relapse seems like an invitation to continue the fight with no end in sight. Hope for a change seems vacant now. 

Twelve months ago, I was told that I have ADHD: and to be entirely truthful, I loathe it. It is in my head like some uninvited guest, some sort of unpleasant companion I cannot quite rid myself of. This frustration leads me to the conclusion that it must be eradicated. I diminish my value and get into existential despair and still, I cherish myself more than this damned symptom. Sometimes I feel like there is a giant barricade standing between me and the person I try to be, and no matter how much I batter it, the walls that keep me from the façade cannot be moved.

It is tiresomely shifting one moment between accepting the existence of anxiety and the next wishing that it would cease to exist completely. It’s great but sometimes it seems more like taking the blow for the sake of facing it and maybe one day come out with new, stronger skin. But for now, it’s hard. That day I felt like fighting so many things, ADHD and the contention and negativity that comes with it. All I still cling to is that tiny doubt that there must be something else wrong with me and that one fine day, I will attain serenity.

And man, sometimes it’s really worse than I thought.

I’ll be honest, ADHD sucks. It’s like I have a brain that is trying to drag me into a hundred different tasks even as I struggle to concentrate on only one task. I remember a situation when typing was as difficult as reading a book when listening to music at the same time, with phone notifications and whispers in your ear. That’s what they’re like most days in the real world for me or perhaps for a lot of people with a mental illness. Everything feels loud. My thoughts, my distractions, the pulsating energy I seem to have no idea what to do with. Simply put, simple things such as responding to a text, cleaning one’s room and forgetting to eat on time overwhelm me and I just freeze. Paralysis by overanalysis.

Why aren’t people discussing just how much ADHD can feel like you are simply a failure at life? Time vanishes and important dates are missed most basic assignments are left uncompleted. Somehow here it is like no matter how hard I try to get organized, some things just fall through the cracks. Honestly, I have ears to get lost counting and those words I tell myself all the time are “I will do better tomorrow” then I just find myself right back repeating the same circle of procrastination and guilt. The world is looking at me to perform, but I show up hoping that I am good enough; I am always sloppy and uncoordinated in my mind.

Yet, I somehow love it in a way.

Oh, you wouldn’t believe it, but ADHD is not about being easily distracted and disorganized all the time. There is also this extra creativity that comes with it. My head runs wild but it runs wild to make jumps other minds cannot comprehend. About this yes, I can go and concentrate for hours on something I fancy most, be it topics or projects. It must be the most amazing feeling to be in that zone because I feel that I own superpowers. Time means nothing and I am actively involved in what I have taken up to do. The issue is I don’t know when or on what I get that tendency or desire to do it. It could be as simple as performing research on any random topic of history as it could be as significant as completing any significant project.

The disadvantage of most of my forgetfulness is that the moment something occurs to me, it is like the first thing in the morning, the last thing at night, and everything else that happens in between. Sometimes I may forget for hours where I placed my keys but I remain fluid, willing to discover, willing to improvise, and willing to find beauty in weird places. It means that a certain degree of autonomy is possible since people would not be restricted by timetables norms and standards. This is the kind of flexibility that makes me flexible in ways that catch me off-guard sometimes.

Yet, at the same time, the complaining and the shouting about the adversity and the “amazing” are intermingling. They can’t exist without the other and that’s the problem. It’s a paradox. Part of me despises the feeling of being out of control that comes with ADHD and another part of me loves the fact that I see life differently than most people do. It’s a bit sweet and sour – this drive to strive for better, strive to be normal and yet wanting to accept the crazy that comes with ADHD.

It sucks to be an ADHD kid at times, but oh man, it is so cool in ways that aren’t even debatable. It’s up and down all the time and as much as I wish it would be different, I’m slowly getting to come to terms with the fact that that might just be how I exist in this world. Accepting that is easier said than done, yet it seems like there is no other choice. To survive is to coexist with it. Two approaching arrows will eventually intersect each other.